X goes to the doctor's.
by ShiroNeko
Summary: X characters seek mental help
1. Kamui

I can't think of anyone who needs a shrink more then Kamui. This was just a idea that started to grow.  
  
Disclaimer: In case you've mistaken me for CLAMP (happens all the time), I don't own any of the characters.  
  
"Alright, Mr.Shiro, please sit down and tell me why you're here."  
  
"Well, Doctor, all my friends were saying I was looking more depressed then Kakyou and Subaru put together, so they pitched in money for me to see you."  
  
"Tell me about your friends."  
  
" Where do I start. A guy who is constantly happy, even though he's doomed to die, a girl who never smiles, a exorcist, a confused looking magazine editor, a kid who's addicted to ice cream, and a lady who works at a bath house."  
  
"And they think you're the one who needs help?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind, Mr.Shiro, tell me a bit about your childhood."  
  
"Okay, you asked for it..  
  
Flashback.  
  
Kamui (as a child) is being tucked in for bed by his mom. "Mommy, can you tell me a happy story?"  
  
"Alright. Once upon a time your favorite aunt, Saya, was killed giving a very painful birth to a sword. Someday I'm going to die when you can look after yourself. She did this for us, so you could grow up and use the sword to either save the world or plunge the earth into a dark, horrific hell."  
  
"Mommy, that's not a very happy story."  
  
"It's as happy as you are going to get around here, kid."  
  
Back in the doctors office.  
  
"So, you are saying you did not have a very happy childhood"  
  
"Something like that, Doc."  
  
"Didn't you have any friends then?"  
  
Flashback.  
  
Little Kamui and Fuma are playing and talking.  
  
"And I promise, Kamui, that no matter what, I'll protect you" Fuma pauses and thinks for a moment "Well, unless I turn into a dark evil version of myself who is out to kill you and the ones you love. Then I won't be able to protect you. But we'll just have to hope that doesn't happen" *smile*  
  
Doctors office.  
  
"Kamui, maybe we should try a rockshaw test. Its where I show you a piece of paper with a ink blot on it, and you tell me what you see in it. Lets try this one first."  
  
"It looks like. Kotori's severed head"  
  
"I'm not even going to ask. What about this one?"  
  
"Tokiko's severed head."  
  
"Um.okay. This?"  
  
"Aunt Saya's severed head."  
  
"Kamui, please look closely at the next one, and try to imagine it being something else then a severed head."  
  
"This one sort of reminds me of.Fuma's severed head."  
  
"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THE SEVERED HEADS?!?"  
  
*shrugs * "I don't know. They just seem to pop up in my life."  
  
" Mr.Shiro, I think you are beyond professional help. Please go before you drive me insane."  
  
"You, know doctor, I am feeling better. I think you have really helped. Thank-you." Kamui gets up and shakes hands with a exasperated doctor. Kamui leaves, while the doctor buzzes his secretary "Who is my next appointment?"  
  
" A young man named Seishiro is here to see you." 


	2. Seishiro

Note to CLAMP: Please don't sue me. I don't own any of your characters, or stories (obviously).  
  
A tall man wearing a long black coat, sunglasses, and a large bird on his shoulder entered the office.  
  
"Hello, Mr….?" The doctor asked him as they shook hands.  
  
"Please, call me Seishrio."  
  
"Alright. What can I help you with?"  
  
"People keep judging me because of my occupation."  
  
"And why does this bother you so much?"  
  
"They go 'he a cold- blooded, heartless killer' without a second thought."  
  
"Are you a cold-blooded, heartless killer?"  
  
"Well, yes. But its still not very nice of them to say that."  
  
"What is your job, Seishiro?"  
  
"Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound."  
  
"That doesn't sound so bad."  
  
"No, its not. It just requires killing a lot of people." Seishiro looked at his watch "Geez, I haven't killed anyone in hours. I'm going to fall behind on my quota."  
  
*What I wouldn't do for one of those panic buttons under my desk right now* the doctor thought to himself.  
  
"And another thing that bothers me is that when ever a dead body is found amongst some sakura petals, everyone assumes it was me who killed them." Seishiro went on.  
  
"Are you the one who killed them? " the doctor asked timidly.  
  
"Well, yes. But….Doctor, you aren't helping here." Seishiro pulled out a cigarette and lighter.  
  
"Um…" the doctor was going to point out several of the large 'No Smoking' signs but decided not to. Seishiro lit his cigarette. There was a click sound, and the overhead sprinkler system went on. The doctor and the assassin looked at each other for a few moments, both getting soaked by the water.  
  
"Let me tell you about my childhood" Seishiro said loudly in order to be heard above the sprinklers.  
  
Flashback  
  
In a bright, cheerful, kindergarten room, around a dozen five-year-olds are quietly drawing. A teacher looks around the classroom "okay class, lets go around and talk about our pictures. Remember, you were supposed to draw what you wanted to be when you grow up. Bobby, you go first."  
  
"I want to be a firefighter!" Bobby holds up a picture of a fire truck.  
  
"Very nice. Seishiro, you go next."  
  
"I'm going to be the next assassin for the Sakura Burial Mound" Little Seishiro holds up a picture of two men, one in black and the other in white. The man in black has his hand plunged right through the man in white chest so that the hand comes out on the other side. Both of the figures have smiley faces for heads.  
  
Present  
  
"I really like my job. It gets in the way of relationships, though." By now the sprinklers had stopped, and Seishiro had lit another cigarette "So, doctor, what do you think?"  
  
" I think…. That its time for my next appointment!" the doctor got up and tried to push him out the door.  
  
"But we didn't get to discuss my relationship troubles!"  
  
"Another time." The doctor managed to slam the door. "Whew. I'm glad that ones gone"  
  
he buzzed his secretary "send in the next nut-I mean patient." 


	3. Nataku

I took the time  
  
To make my disclaimer rhyme.  
  
The characters aren't mine.  
  
Please tell me if this fic is bad or fine.  
  
"I don't know how to ask this politely, so I'll just ask" the doctor fidgeted "Are you a boy or a girl?"  
  
The white haired person looked calmly at the doctor "No"  
  
"Do you mean, no I'm not a boy, or no, I'm not a girl?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
The doctor was starting to sweat drop.  
  
"I'm a being of no specific gender." Nataku stated.  
  
"No gender? So which bathroom do you use when you go out in public?" The doctor said, perplexed.  
  
"Doctor, that's not why I can here to talk with you." Nataku said.  
  
"Oh. Well then, what's your name?"  
  
"Nataku."  
  
"Nataku what?"  
  
"Only Nataku. Like Madonna."  
  
"What's bothering you, Nataku?"  
  
" I'm feeling a little out of place in the battle for Earth."  
  
"Battle for Earth?"  
  
"Fourteen people called the Dragons of Heaven and the Dragons of Earth are destined to fight over the fate of this planet. Most of us are destined to die, want to die, or are going to die."  
  
"Must be pretty hard for you guys to get life insurance." The doctor joked, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
It didn't work.  
  
" Everyone has special powers they use. One girl has a sword in her hand, another guy controls lightning."  
  
"What's your power?"  
  
Nataku gestured to the floating piece of cloth around it " I use this white, floating cloth, thingy."  
  
" I'm sure it strikes fear into the hearts of many a dry cleaner." The doctor commented, keeping an eye on the white, floating, cloth, thingy "Now what's bothering you?"  
  
" I seem to be the only one among the dragons who does not have a love interest."  
  
" Maybe it has to do with your gender (or lack of)."  
  
" That hasn't stopped other CLAMP endogamous characters." Nataku  
  
" Maybe you just haven't met the right person." The doctor hesitated "We could always try the inkblot test…"  
  
Nataku nodded. The doctor inwardly groaned and pulled out the card stained with ink "Just look at it for as long as you want. Then tell me what you see."  
  
Nataku looked hard at the card.  
  
"What do you see?"  
  
" It's a inkblot." Nataku said, quite proud of itself.  
  
The doctor began to twitch " Of course its an inkblot. But what do you see in it?"  
  
"What do you mean, doctor? You asked me what I saw when I looked at the card, and it's an inkblot. Only crazy people see things that aren't really there."  
  
"That's not the point! URRGG! JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"  
  
Nataku mumbled something that sounded like 'carrot dard'.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"I never got a tarot card. All the other characters did, even Fuma's dad and he was in it for only two volume's before I killed him. Satsuki got to be the hermit, and Sorata got the chariot card, but I didn't get any." Nataku said.  
  
"Just a sec" The doctor shuffled somethings around in his desk and pulled out a marker. He turned around and wrote on something then handed it to Nataku "Here."  
  
Nataku looked. It was a tarot card, the three of cups. Someone had drawn a stick figure on it with a little name tag on it saying 'Nataku'.  
  
"Thank-you very much Doctor." Nataku stood to leave, clutching the card close to it's chest "I will treasure it forever." It left the office, it's white floating, cloth, thingy following behind. The doctor braced himself for whoever was next.  
  
Hint: Satsuki (I'm not good at giving hints). 


	4. Satsuki/Yuzuriha

I have currently run out of witty disclaimers.  
  
" Ms.Satsuki, first of all I'd like to--"  
  
"Humans are boring." Satsuki interrupted.  
  
" Excuse, what was that?" the doctor asked. Satsuki ignored him and looked around the room.  
  
"There are various tests that we could do so"  
  
"Tests are boring." Satsuki said and fell silent. The doctor looked at the 14-year-old in front of him "Satsuki, I'm only trying to help you. Once I was treating someone-"  
  
"Story's are boring"  
  
"URGG! CAN YOU JUST LET ME COMPLETE A SENTENCE!?!"  
  
"Sentences are—"  
  
"Boring, right? Isn't there something you find interesting? What about animals?"  
  
"Boring."  
  
"T.V?"  
  
"Boring."  
  
"School?"  
  
"Boring."  
  
"Disneyland?"  
  
"Boring."  
  
"What do you like then?"  
  
Satsuki looked behind the doctor at his and pointed "Computers."  
  
The doctor looked back. His computer's entire screen was covered in text saying kill kill kill kill.  
  
"Alright, that's creepy." The doctor said as he turned back to Satsuki. No one was there. His office was empty except for himself "Maybe I should just call in the next patient."  
  
Author's note: I'm getting sick of calling the doctor 'doctor' all the time. I'm starting a contest right now called 'Name the Doctor'. Just add the name you think the doctor should have to your review. I now return you to your regular programming.  
  
A teenage girl bounced into the office, holding a ice cream cone and wearing a school uniform "Thank you so much for seeing me doctor." She said.  
  
"My pleasure, miss.Nekoi-"  
  
"Ohh, are those pictures of your family on your desk ? I like what you painted the walls. Is it taupe or beige ? I can never tell the difference . Hey , wear did you get-" Yuzuriha zipped around the office like a hummingbird on caffeine. The doctor watched opened mouthed, trying to figure out how to get a word in.  
  
"Isn't this a nice office, Inuki? I wish the seals headquarters was as comfy."  
  
The doctor shook his head "Don't tell me your another one of those in a fight over the earth people."  
  
"Yep. I'm one of the Dragons of Heaven. Inuki helps me fight." Yuzuriha looked at something beside her "Right Inuki?"  
  
"Who's this Inuki you keep talking to?"  
  
"He's a dog sprit. He's my best friend in the whole world."  
  
"I don't see anything."  
  
"Inuki is invisible. Only people with special powers can see him."  
  
"Special powers. Riiight." The doctor said. The sarcastic tone went right over Yuzu's head "Inuki, stop making me spill ice cream on the doctor's important papers!"  
  
Yuzuriha tried to hold the ice cream cone in her hand, but it fell on the stack of paperwork on the doctor's desk.  
  
"AHHH! Do you know what you just did?" said the exasperated doctor.  
  
"It wasn't me, it was Inuki." Said the equally exasperated Yuzuriha.  
  
"Oh, sure, blame it on your dog that, conveniently, no one can see. Miss, you are suffering from delusions, and if it weren't law that you need to have treated the patient for at least three appointments, I'd have you thrown in a mental ward. Here is the next best thing." The doctor gave a capsule of pills and gave them to Yuzu "Take one every four hours."  
  
Yuzuriha put the pills in her pocket and got up to leave "Come on, Inuki, lets go." She started to leave but stopped "No, Inuki, we don't attack people just because they don't think your real." The inugami mistress left.  
  
The doctor took out a bottle of Advil. 


	5. Subaru

Disclaimer: No matter how much I beg, CLAMP won't let me own Subaru *sniff*  
  
Author's notes: I'm not picking on Subaru. Okay, maybe I am, but only because he is one of my favorite characters (the other is Yuzurhia). The winner of 'name the doctor' has been decided! Thanks to all who entered.  
  
Well, at least he looks normal The doctor thought to himself "What is your name?"  
  
He asked the dreary looking young man in a trench coat.  
  
"Subaru Sumeragi." The twenty-something man "And yours?"  
  
"Dr.Stanley Trinidad Hidhat XIV."  
  
" ? "  
  
"Don't ask. Anyway, what's bothering you, Mr.Sumeragi?"  
  
"All my friends think I suicidal."  
  
"Can you give me an example?"  
  
1  
  
2 Flashback sequence to the other day  
  
Arashi, Yuzuriha, Kamui and Subaru sit around a table waiting for a DoE to attack somewhere.  
  
"I'm bored." Kamui groaned.  
  
"I know! Lets play hangman!" Yuzuriha said excitedly. Arashi glared at the young seal "Yuzuriha, you should know better then to suggest a game with such a morbid title around a already depressed Subaru."  
  
Subaru and Yuzuriha "Eh?"  
  
"Arashi's got a point. We don't want to push Subaru off the deep end."  
  
Subaru smiled one of his rare smiles "Really you guys, I'm not suicidal." Subaru picks up a knife to cut his lunch with. The others gasp and Kamui gently takes the knife from the older seals hand "You should stay away from any sharp potentially life ending objects."  
  
Subaru had had enough "I'm not suicidal! Okay I'm depressed, but the only time I'm happy is when there's something to be angsty about! I'm not trying to kill myself! HEY! WHO TOOK MY SHOE LACES!?!"  
  
3 End of flashback  
  
"Your one of those seven whatchamacall-its, aren't you?"  
  
"You mean a Seal? Yes, I am."  
  
Note to self Dr .Hidhat thought to himself cancel group rates.  
  
"So Dr.XIV, do you think you can help me?" the young man asked.  
  
"Is this all that's bothering you?"  
  
"Well, I'm also mad about my death in the movie, how I went from having my own manga series to being a supporting role, and how my romance is pretty much doomed and-"  
  
The doctor watched him ramble on This guy is a bonafide cash cow for shrinks! He has more issues then Asuka!  
  
"I don't think we'll have time for all that today. But if you make an appointment with my secretary, we could work something out."  
  
Dr. Stanley Trinidad Hidhat XIV shook hands with Subaru.  
  
Note to self the Dr thought beware of manga characters 


	6. conclusion

Disclaimer:  
  
  
  
Subaru walked out of the Dr.Hidhat's office and into the waiting room. He was still trying to figure out the questions on the from he had to fill out such "what size straitjacket do you wear?"  
  
"So? How did you do?"  
  
Subaru looked up to see Kamui, Seishiro, Nataku, Yuzuriha, Satsuki and Fuuma looking at him, waiting for an answer.  
  
"What are you doing here?" was all he could mange. Fuuma rolled his eyes "The same thing you're doing here. You did come to play 'Make the Psychiatrist Go Insane', didn't you?"  
  
""What?"  
  
"We all take bets on who can make the doctor go crazy first" Kamui explained "And whoever does gets the pot. So far no ones won."  
  
"Amateurs." Fuuma entered the office and shut the door after him. A millisecond later the doctor ran screaming out of his office. Fuuma causally strided back into the waiting room "Alright people, I win (again)."  
  
"How do you do that?" Kamui asked.  
  
"A magician never revels his secret." Fuuma smiled.  
  
"You only won because you got to go last" Seishiro grumbled.  
  
"Don't be a sore loser." Fuuma snapped back.  
  
"Yeah, because *giggle* the only thing worse is a healed winner *hiccup*" Yuzuriha found this very funny and collapsed into a fit of giggles while the others watched.  
  
"Yuzu" Kamui asked " How many of those pills did you take?"  
  
" I dunno *hiccup* he said to take one every four hours. Or was it four every one hour? *giggle* I can't remember." Yuzuriha almost fell over, but was held up by Inuki "Gee, I wish the world would stop moving like that *hiccup*"  
  
"Be careful, kid" Seishiro said to Yuzuriha "You might blurt out anything while you're on prescription drugs."  
  
"Yeah, you would know." Subaru started to rant "I can't believe this! All of you just made my psychiatrist go insane! As a betting game! Do you realize how much I just paid him in a non-refundable stop smoking plan?" He stormed out of the waiting room.  
  
"He was sure upset." Satsuki noted.  
  
"I don't think we should tell him that he's the leading contender in our 'who's going to die next' betting game." Fuuma said as he started checking his pockets for a cigarette.  
  
"Daddy, Daddy, look at my tarot card!" said a excited Nataku. Fuuma ignored it and continued to check his pockets for something to smoke "That's great Nataku"  
  
"Dr.Hidhat gave it to me! Now I have my very own special card!"  
  
"Wow Nataku, that's grand." Fuuma, having found no cigarettes in his own pockets, checked Kamui's.  
  
"Hey! I don't smoke!" The boy yelled "Why do you smoke so much, any way?"  
  
"Because chewing nicotine gum doesn't look as menacing." Fuuma noticed a certain assassin puffing away "Do you have one for me?"  
  
Seishiro smiled "No."  
  
"And I'm going to keep my tarot card forever and ever.."  
  
"Wonderful Nataku." Fuuma was desperate for anything to relive his nicotine cravings glanced around the room for something to roll up and set on fire.  
  
"See, Daddy? See my own very special card that I'm going to keep forever and ever-" Nataku waved the card in his face. Fuuma grabbed it, rolled it up, set it on fire and began to smoke it like a cigarette. He let out a sigh of relief, while Nataku's eyes began to fill up with water "Daddy, that was my own very special tarot card."  
  
"Wow, Nataku, that's really neat." Fuuma replied, ignoring it completely.  
  
"I'm going to go derail a train in a desperate plea for parental attention." Nataku said to Fuuma.  
  
"Cool, Nataku. Neato."  
  
The genderless angel sadly left the office.  
  
"Um, if he's really going to go derail a train, shouldn't we stop him?" Yuzu asked Kamui who was still holding her up.  
  
"Nah. I'm sure Karen and Akoi will do something about it." Kamui replied.  
  
" So, what doctor will we terrorize next week?" Fuuma asked.  
  
"According to Beast, the other doctors in this area are Dr. Iam D. Omed, Dr. Smiley, Dr. Gary, and Dr. Imon Speed 247th." Satsuki said.  
  
"Well, this time lets pick one who isn't a quack. I swear, I think Dr.Hidhat found his psychology degree in a cereal box" Seishiro complained.  
  
"I don't know. I think he was pretty good" Kamui looked out the window "Hey, that cloud looks like Daisuki's severed head."  
  
1 THE END  
  
Author: So? What do you think?  
  
Readers: Forget Kamui. You're the one who should be checked into the mental ward. 


End file.
